After the Attack
Marie is a survivor. She’s a victim of the Paris attacks that happened on the 13th November 2015, as she was at The Bataclan watching a show with her friend R. Her friend did not survive.
Marie lives alone in her apartment in les Lilas, in the suburb of Paris.
Friday the 13th November 2015, my friend Marie is invited by R., her long term girlfriend’s best friend, to go to the Eagles of Death Metal gig at the Bataclan, in the eleventh district of Paris, where I was living at that time. First she refused, because she didn’t care much about the band and was tired from working all week. Finally she accepted to get the chance to hang out with R. They are at the show, drinking bad beer and taking selfies that Marie posts on Facebook. An hour later, the band is playing on stage when a loud bang surprises the crowd. Like many people she thinks it’s fireworks, that it’s part of the show. Suddenly the band runs off stage, another bang and it’s chaotic in the pit, where they fall on the floor. Marie falls on people. Because she’s big she’s afraid of hurting someone. R. fell almost into her arms. She keeps thinking everything is ok, she sees stains of light. Her gaze shifts and she sees a guy wearing weapons, with an automatic gun along his body. It’s all a blur. She’s covered in other people’s blood. She loses it, weeps a bit, then gathers herself together. R. is touching his upper leg and she realizes that he is wounded. The silence is terrible. As they would stay like this for more than three hours, the only sound breaking the silence would be the ringing of the phones of families and friends trying to reach there loved ones as the news relayed what was happening. The regular sound of automatic weapons killing randomly is also breaking the silence.
My brother calls me. ‘Where are you?!’ I was in a bar with some friends. My brother tells me that there are a few terrorist attacks going on simultaneusly at different spot in Paris, mostly in my area. He also tells me that my friend Marie posts messages on facebook, asking for help.
This is the items that Marie had with her on the night of the attack : the receipt of the coat room from the Bataclan, and her wallet. She threw away everything else she had or was wearing that evening, but from then always carries these two items with her, like a talisman.
After the attacks, Marie looked in every hospital for her friend R. As the media were saying the names of the victims during the whole week, she was searching for him with the help of a friend. She already knew but she could not say it. The Friday they learned from a morgue that he has passed away.
Marie waking up from an afternoon nap, Les Lilas, France, 2017
Since the attack Marie takes sleeping tablets and anti depressant medication. She can sleep only for a few hours at a time and keeps waking up. Being in a constant state of tension she’s constantly tired. I took this picture as she was waking up from an afternoon nap. The entire time she was asleep she held this position with her arm up the wall, which is the position she had during the 3h40 that lasted the attack, while laying on the floor in the Bataclan . She now only sleeps in this position.
« I always had the feeling that I wasn’t allowed to suffer, that I had to go through something really intense to earn this right. But actually you’re never allowed to suffer. Whatever happens, your suffering is inconvenient for other people. At the same time it makes sense, because it’s unsolvable. When you’re presenting to people a problem that is impossible to solve, they panic. You’re just sending them this reflection that they are useless, so no doubt no one wants to hear your story. There is no solution.”
‘It’s not easy to autorise oneself to be a victim without shutting one self into this role. You have to be a victim but also courageous, you have to overcome the pain but allow it at the same time. They are a lot of contradictory injunctions. People tell you to listen to your feelings, to get help, but these same people tell you to move forward and take action.
When you’re constantly tired because your whole body is in a perpetual tension as a result of the post traumatic stress disorder and people tell you ‘of course you’re exhausted, you do work a lot!’, they’re not acknowledging what’s really going on. They want to rationalise your pain. But you can’t rationalise a terrorist attack.’
Parisian subway. It’s been complicated for Marie since then to be in public spaces. As soon as she walks into a space, she looks for the exit.
It was a struggle to get out in the street after the 13th November, as she developed agoraphobia. Slowly Marie is taking her life back and learns to live with PTSD. (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder)
Marie adopted her dog Biche a month after the attacks.
She takes her everywhere with her, in the subway, to the gay bar where she hangs with her friends, and even to work. Biche is so essential to Marie’s life that even when she’s dreaming, her dog is always by her side. Marie says that Biche is like an organ of hers. Marie faces a lot of misunderstanding around the presence of her dog in public transport. Security would once fine her as animals are forbidden in the subway, and refused to understand that Biche is a life assistant to Marie. She would often compare her to a guide dog, but it hasn’t been yet recognised.
Portrait of her dog Biche and her mother.
Extract of the diary Marie kept while in psychiatric hospital, November 2017. As the anniversary date of the attack approached, Marie’s anxiety got out of control and she checked herself into a psychiatric clinic, as she was afraid to harm herself.
Marie showing me the medication she takes for her PTSD. There’s more than ten boxes of different pills to help her relax, sleep, and concentrate.
As a new start in 2018, Marie decided to shave her hair. She donated her long hair to make wigs for people with cancer who can’t afford expensive wigs.